


i know a weenie man

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: Sometimes Luke isn't sure if Dandy Man is the only Millennium member he can tolerate, or if he's the one he hates the most.
Relationships: Tubalcain Alhambra/Luke Valentine
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	i know a weenie man

Luke was standing outside the Millennium hideout. He wasn't out there for anything exceptionally important, just having a smoke.

He usually didn't bother going outside to smoke. There just didn't seem to be a point, almost everyone in Millennium were vampires who didn't need to worry about things like secondhand smoke, or being able to breathe. Not to mention it seemed like they all smoked too, and none of them ever went outside to do it.

There were two humans in the organization, so that was two people who could take issue with it. Luke didn't know their actual stance on the matter, but tried not to smoke around them, not wanting to be seen as disrespectful. They did also both happen to be his superiors and all, and the last thing he wanted was to make a bad impression on them.

They weren't the reason why he was outside, though. He didn't need to step outside if he wanted to be away from them, the hideout was spacious enough that doing so wasn't necessary. He was out here of his own accord, sometimes he just wanted to get some fresh air and some peace and quiet.

Really, as great as Millennium was, things like that were hard to come by. The place was very lively, which wasn't exactly a bad thing, but it took time to adjust to. Especially considering that before joining, the only person he had to deal with was Jan. 

And sure, Jan was very loud and intrusive and didn't seem to know how personal space worked and a whole array of other similar traits, but he was also just one person. One person who Luke had been dealing with for nearly his whole life, he was used to anything that Jan could throw at him. The same couldn't be said for the rest of Millennium. The organization was full of, for lack of better descriptive terms, very chaotic individuals. All of which Luke obviously had no experience with before joining.

Of course, most of the time none of them really paid him much mind, having more important things to focus on. Still, the presence of so many eccentric people could get somewhat overwhelming at times. Hence why Luke sometimes felt the need to step away for a bit. Too much time around the others would result in a headache, if he didn't tear himself away then he'd certainly end up snapping at them. And sure, as much as some of them could benefit from being told to shut the hell up from time to time, it was hardly his place to talk back to them. Even if they weren't all higher rank than him, he wouldn't want to say anything. He didn't want to be involved in any unnecessary drama.

So, he frequently found himself stepping outside to cool down. Sure, he didn't _need_ to do this, in fact it would probably be more convenient to just exit to another room than to make his way outside. He preferred doing things this way, though. Outside of being sent out on jobs and training, he didn't get to spend much time in the outdoors, and that was kind of a shame. He liked the atmosphere of the area where Millennium's base was hidden. Plus, the whole getting fresh air thing was actually pretty nice.

That and he figured he was less likely to be bothered out here. He doubted any of the others would go out of their way to come out here, even if for some reason they were looking for him.

Well, Jan might. If his brother was dead set on pestering him, there was little he could do about it. But that was the only exception.

Or so Luke had thought. Apparently that assumption had been a bit off.

When he felt an arm wrap around his shoulders, he nearly jumped out of his skin. If he'd had his knife on him, the person responsible no doubt would have been stabbed.

He made a mental note to carry his knife more often.

As it was, he instead wretched himself away, glaring over at the perpetrator.

The perp in question, Tubalcain Alhambra, didn't seem phased. In fact he seemed to find Luke's anger amusing, only laughing in response.

This, of course, only irritated Luke more. "Don't sneak up on me." 

Tubalcain looked like he wanted to roll his eyes at that. "I've been here for a while. If you didn't notice me, that's your own fault."

Luke wanted to argue, but... He supposed it wasn't too hard to believe that he'd been so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't heard someone else approaching. He liked to think he paid attention to his surroundings, but sometimes lapses in judgement happened. "Still, you could've said something." He gave a small protest.

"Maybe I did." Tubalcain countered. "You were pretty out of it, you could've just not heard me."

Luke was having a hard time thinking of anything to say to that. "...Shut up."

Tubalcain acted mock-offended at that. "But you _just_ said..."

"Yes, well I've changed my mind. Stop talking." It was very hard to keep himself from smiling and maintaining his neutral-slash-annoyed expression.

"And if I don't?"

Luke fished through his jacket for another cigarette, he'd dropped his last one before having the chance to finish it. He would give Tubalcain shit for that, but he honestly didn't care all that much. "That would be a bit of a problem." 

"If it bothers you so much, you could always shut me up yourself." Tubalcain suggested, leaning a bit closer.

Luke couldn't hold back a laugh at that. "You really think I'd fall for such transparent bait?" 

"Um.. Yes?" Tubalcain said, clearly holding back a chuckle. "You always do."

"That's not true." Luke immediately argued. Then, at the look of disbelief he received he added "Not _always._ "

"Right right, of course." Tubalcain waved away Luke's protests. "Not always, just ninety nine percent of the time. The one percent where you don't being right now."

Luke really couldn't say anything against that, it wasn't wrong. But that wasn't his fault. He could hardly be blamed for falling into Tubalcain's arms so easily, if anything it was Tubalcain's fault for being so damn charming.

Or, maybe it _was_ Luke's fault, for falling hook line and sinker for even the cheesiest and most cliché flirting attempts. Whatever.

"Yes, well... Keep this up and we can turn that into zero percent." Despite his words, he inched closer to Tubalcain, so that their shoulders were brushing.

Tubalcain took this as an invitation to wrap his arms around Luke's shoulders again, luckily not getting shoved away this time. "Hmm, we can't be having that. I guess I have no choice."

Luke, in turn, pressed himself closer to Tubalcain. "Good, I'm glad we're in agreement. Now shut up."

\----------

Luke didn't know the full scope of Tubalcain's powers. He knew that the other was a vampire, obviously. He also knew that Tubalcain had control over playing cards, the only example of such a thing he'd witnessed being the ability to use them as weapons. That was about it, Luke hardly knew any real details.

He was honestly a bit curious to know if there was more to it than what he'd seen. He knew that he personally didn't have a wide array of powers, the only thing aside from vampirism being extreme speed. Maybe Tubalcain was different, though? Being higher rank could get you extra abilities and such.

Plus, Tubalcain had been part of Millennium longer. How long exactly Luke never bothered asking, but that detail probably didn't matter a whole lot. The fact of the matter was that being in the organization longer could very well grant you extra privileges.

Instead of spending all his time pondering about it, Luke decided to actually ask. Tubalcain, thankfully, was more than happy to answer.

"Sorry to disappoint, but that's really it."

"Oh.. really?" Luke tried to not actually sound disappointed. 

"Of course." He let out a quiet laugh. "Really, you think if they gave anyone here extra powers, it'd be me?"

That was kind of a good point. If any member of Millennium were to get special treatment, it certainly wouldn't be Tubalcain. It would be one of the actual German members, like Rip or Zorin. 

Or Schrodinger perhaps, but he kind of already did have special treatment, in a way. He was the only true immortal in the organization, if his powers could be considered immortality. Luke thought of them as such, but there was probably more nuance to them than that.

That and he had the privilege of being able to do whatever the hell he wanted, Luke couldn't remember the last time Schrodinger had been punished for anything. Not that he was that big of a troublemaker, but still. He was able to get away with things that would at the very least get any other Millennium member yelled at, and the worst he ever got was a slap on the wrist.

To be fair, how were you supposed to punish Schrodinger? Threats didn't work, and neither did violence. You couldn't take things away from him or restrict him from certain things, his powers could easily bypass any attempt to do so.

But, that was beginning to stray off topic.

"I don't mind, really." Tubalcain assured him. "Card manipulation is a lot more versatile than you'd expect."

"Is it, now?" It wasn't that Luke didn't believe that, it was just that he couldn't really think of very many uses for such a thing.

"Of course, I can use it to cut through things." He began elaborating. "I can also make them float, but that's more aesthetic than anything."

"And most importantly, I can do this." 

Luke flinched at the sudden voice behind him. He turned to look and what he saw was... Another Tualcain?

He looked back and forth and, it turned out he wasn't just seeing things, there was really two of them.

Tubalcain, the first one, chuckled at Luke's confusion. "Card clone." Was the only explanation he offered.

Luke nodded, that made sense.

Well, no it didn't. But nothing about Millennium made sense, so this was fairly easy to accept.

"How many can you make?" 

"Just the one." The clone Tubalcain answered. The real one followed up with "But don't be fooled, even just having one more of yourself around is very useful."

Of course, Luke wasn't about to try and argue otherwise. "I take it you have full control of your copy."

"Obviously, there wouldn't be much point in having the power otherwise."

That _was_ pretty obvious, Luke wasn't sure why he asked. Just to be sure, he supposed. "Enlighten me then, what exactly can you do with this?"

Looking between the two of them again, there was a certain use that came to Luke's mind. A few actually, there were lots of things that could be done with two Tubalcains. Specifically lots of things that could be done to him.

He immediately pushed that thought out of his mind, embarrassed for thinking it in the first place. This was supposed to be a serious conversation. They were discussing the tactical advantages of having a clone of yourself at your disposal, this was no time for his mind to be in the gutter.

And yet, the thought didn't seem to want to leave. He listened to Tubalcain's explanations, he really _did_ listen, but he couldn't stop his mind from wandering.

He really hoped he was doing a good job at hiding how these thoughts were effecting him, if Tubalcain noticed then he'd surely never live it down.

Well, actually Tubalcain would probably be more than happy to indulge him, but still.

This was ridiculous. He was being ridiculous. He'd really thought he was above this sort of thing.

Not above having these sorts of thoughts in general, but rather capable of recognizing the right time and place for them. 

Apparently he thought too highly of himself. Apparently he was no better than his good for nothing brother, who would try to whore himself out at any given opportunity.

Okay, that was too far. That was uncalled for. Jan wasn't _that_ bad. I mean yes, Jan did make many unwanted advances toward the other Millennium members, and did sometimes not know when to stop when it came to this behavior. But still, he wasn't that bad. Besides, most of what he did was more for his own amusement than real attempts to sleep with anyone... Probably. It was hard to tell, really.

Now Luke felt ridiculous for a different reason. He was borderline panicking, and for what? He needed to calm down. He hadn't been absorbing what was being said to him for the past few minutes, he needed to focus.

He tried to go back to listening, but was greeted with silence. Tubalcain wasn't saying anything.

Shit, had he actually finished talking and Luke hadn't noticed? That would be pretty embarrassing. Just how long had he been zoned out? How much had he missed?

He risked a look up at Tubalcain, and was greeted with a knowing smirk. "Something on your mind?"

Luke felt his face flush, hardly resisting the urge to bury it in his hands. "Fuck me." He muttered. Did he mean it literally? Figuratively? It didn't matter. Whatever.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write smth with these two but I didn't want to actually have to think of a... *gags* a plot. So, there's this  
> Also partially written just to acknowledge Dandy Man's card clone ability. I think abt it sometimes, but I never see it brought up. Not even by the tiny amount of other Dandy Man fans out there
> 
> Once again I HATE writing character interaction. Especially if it's two dudes interacting tho cause like? You have to just keep using their names like every fuckin line. You can't just default to using pronouns cause they have the same damn pronouns, it's the worst!!!


End file.
